


Anxiety

by AndrogynousAlleyCat



Category: aphmau - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Fluff, TW: Panic Attacks, also theyre nonbinary, autistic Zane, theyre qpp, this is NOT zanemau, vylad isnt actually in this only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 18:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11742882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndrogynousAlleyCat/pseuds/AndrogynousAlleyCat
Summary: Zane has a panic attack.It's not fun.





	Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> The first fanfic I've ever made and it's angst.  
> Nice.  
> Also most of this was written while listening to Jimmy Buffett lmao

Zane couldn't really remember why he was crying.

He just knew he felt like complete and utter shit.

He knew he looked pathetic, sitting there in the corner, back against the wall, crying his eyes out as he clawed at the sides of his head. He looked sad. He looked  _weak._   _He hated_  looking weak. It made people think he had emotions. He _hated_  emotions. All they did was make him feel like shit. His breathing quickened.

What the hell had even started this anyway? The last thing he remembered doing was drawing, he worked as a freelance artist in his spare time, and he couldn't quite get a certain part to look right. He started getting frustrated and ended up knocking things off his desk, which explains why all his pens and pencils and markers were all on the floor. He started thinking about his brothers.

Vylad was always a better artist than him, all of their paintings were amazing and they always won the art competitions at school and they send pictures of their works to everyone as they travel and everyone would always compliment them and tell them how amazing their pictures were and they were so  _good._

And Garroth.  _Garroth._  He was never the best artist, but dear Irene, he was so good at everything else. He was fit, he was good looking, he was good at sports, he'd always gotten good grades in school, he was polite, he was charming, he was always the good child. _The perfect child._ Zane hated it. He hated  _him._  He knew Garroth was always the favourite child, even if their parents never said it. It was so obvious. He was so spoiled, even now. He _hated_ it.

And then there was Zane. He was below average-looking, he was overweight, he was bad at sports, he had average grades, he had bad knees, he was too blunt, he didn't understand emotions or empathy, he was awkward, he was a shitty person, he hated himself. He couldn't understand why anyone would like him at all.

His breathing became more and more intense as all these thoughts ran through his head. Oh god, maybe nobody  _did_  like him. Maybe everyone is just faking it. Maybe they're just tolerating him because of his brothers. Maybe Aphmau is just pitying him because he has no friends. He was sobbing now. Maybe she just flat out hates him. Maybe she just acts like she doesn't because she's friends with Garroth and Vylad. He was struggling to breathe. He's so pathetic. Of course she doesn't really like him. He's completely alone.

 

"Thanks for helping me out, Aphmau."

Garroth shut the door behind them, bags of groceries in both of their hands. Garroth had asked Aphmau to go grocery shopping with him, since Laurance was out visiting his parents and he always seemed to get distracted and forget things if he went alone.

"No problem, Gar!" Aphmau set the bags down on the kitchen counter. "I just wish you hadn't called in the middle of my movie."  
"It was Midnight, I don't think you were missing out on much." Garroth snickered.  
"HEY! The Midnight series is amazing!"  
"They're a trainwreck Aph!"  
"Pff, whatever." Aphmau huffed, making a mock pouty-face. Garroth turned his attention toward the bags.

"Are you sure Zane's gonna like these?" he asked, pulling a plastic container of cupcakes out from one. Aphmau suggested they get some, since Zane had been in a really bad mood for the past week or so, more than usual. They were all My Little Horsie themed, with an equal number of cupcakes for each main pony. "They seem kind of...girly."  
"Of course he will!" Aph exclaimed. "Trust me. He'd never pass up on a cupcake! Besides, these were the only ones left." That part was a lie, but Garroth didn't need to know that.  
"Alright, if you say so." Garroth set the cupcakes down. "I'll go get him, I think he's still working on his commission stuff."  
"Still? Didn't he start like six hours ago? Has he even come out of his room?"  
Garroth shrugged. "Maybe when we were gone, but before that I don't even think he moved from his chair." Garroth sighed. "I'm starting to worry, he hasn't come out of his room much lately, all he's been doing is working. I feel like he's trying to avoid me..."  
"I'm sure that's not the case." Aphmau assured him. "He might've just gotten himself too much work to do." Garroth didn't look to convinced. "Come on!" Aphmau beamed. "Let's go drag him outta there, he needs a break!"

Aphmau headed upstairs, Garroth in tow, stopping in front of her friend's bedroom.  
"Zane~" she sang, knocking lightly on the door.  
No answer.  
_"Zane~"_  she repeated, a bit louder this time.  
Still no answer.  
"Maybe he has headphones on?" Garroth shrugged.  
"Zane!" Aphmau called. "We got you some cupcakes downstairs!"  
Nothing.  
The two of them exchanged a look of worry. Normally that would make him nearly break the door down.  
Aphmau knocked louder this time.  _"ZANE?"_  
After a second of silence, they heard it: crying. Aphmau panicked. What would make Zane cry? Who would make Zane cry? She fiddled with the doorknob for a moment, but it was locked. That didn't surprise her, he liked his privacy.  
"Move!" Garroth pushed in front of her. "Wait Gar-" Aphmau began. Too late, he'd already slammed himself into the door, sending it crashing to the floor with a thud.

"Zane??"  
As soon as he saw him, Garroth rushed over to his brother's side. "Baby brother?? What's wrong? Did something happen? Who hurt you? Wh-"  
Zane's breath hitched and he shoved Garroth away, backing further into the corner. Garroth looked hurt.  
"You're scaring him!" Aphmau exclaimed, kneeling down in front of her friend.  
"But-"  
"Shush!" Aph slowly reached her hand out to touch his leg, but he quickly pulled away.  
"Zane, it's me, Aphmau. It's okay. Can you tell me what's wrong?" She spoke softly, so she wouldn't hurt his ears or scare him. Zane looked up a bit, and Aphmau could see that his eyes, or, eye, were bloodshot and his face and shirt were streaked with tears. He didn't say anything, he /couldn't/ say anything. His mouth wouldn't let him. So he just sat there, staring blankly, coughing and sputtering and trying to force himself to stop crying.  
"Zane, it's okay, we're here.  _I'm_ here. " she assured. Zane's breath started to slow.  
"Can I hug you?"  
He continued staring for a moment, then nodded. He slowly moved his hands down from his head and let her wrap her arms around him, pulling him into a tight bear hug. He did the same, burying his face into her shoulder and holding her tightly, scared that she'd disappear if he let go. She pet his hair and shushed him, mumbling words lf reassurance into his ear. It was soothing. He felt safe.

Garroth wasn't sure what to do. He'd never seen his brother like this. Zane was always so reserved, and he always pushed him, or everyone for that matter, away. Except Aph. The two were so close. It was like they'd been friends their whole lives. Zane's always so happy when he's around her. She just radiates warmth and happiness.  
He's so happy for that.  
Happy that his baby brother has someone he can talk to and be happy around, even if it isn't him.

"Hey, Garroth."

Garroth was brought back from his thoughts by Aphmau's voice.  
"Yeah?"  
"Can you rub his back?"  
Garroth looked at his brother. "Is that alright, Zane?"  
Zane nodded against Aph's shoulder.  
Garroth scooted himself next to him, and began rubbing slow circles into his back. He remembered doing this for Vylad when they were in high school; they'd had some breakdowns occasionally, usually from stress and overworking themself near important tests. After a while, Zane wasn't crying anymore, just hiccups and sniffles. He was still shaking, but it was significantly less now.  
Garroth stood up, getting an idea, and made his way over to Zane's dresser. Zane finally pulled away from Aph, sniffing and wiping his face with his sleeve.  
"Better?"  
He nodded.

Garroth returned with a small black object with some string attached to it. "Here, I uh, grabbed your necklace if you want it." he said, handing it to Zane. Zane took it, flashing him a smile of gratitude. He put it on over his head and started chewing on the solid piece of silicone.  
"Eclipse?" Aphmau asked.  
Zane nodded again.  
"I knew something was up, you've been a bit moody lately, and when I saw the werewolves getting antsy Aaron told me there was one soon. I was just hoping it wasn't going to affect you that bad."  
[Zane looked down.  
"Hey," Garroth piped up. "We have some cupcakes downstairs! We can go down and get some if you want!"  
"Yeah!" Aphmau chimed in. "And we can watch some movies too!"  
"Just anything but Midnight." Garroth teased. Aphmau punched his shoulder lightly. "Hey, stop dissin' my movies!" The two of them laughed. Zane laughed too. He was finally able to force some words out of himself.

"Thank you, guys."

**Author's Note:**

> Not-So-Fun Fact: I got the idea for this during a meltdown/shutdown. How fun.  
> This was a little bit of a vent but mostly just fucking up my boy.  
> Sorry if there are any mistakes, I finished this at like 3 am and didn't proofread it  
> So! Explanation time, because I'm sure you have some questions:  
> 1\. The necklace Zane has is a stim/chew necklace! I didn't describe it much but this is the one I imagine him having: https://www.stimtastic.co/stim-jewelry/chewable-droplet-pendant-necklace . I have this one and it's great. I've had it for about a year now and so far I've only managed to chew a tiny piece out of it. They're very durable! I highly recommend them if you stim by chewing.  
> 2\. The eclipse thing mentioned is also a kind-of personal issue too. I don't know about other autistics, but both me and my brothers get affected by things like full moons, eclipses, etc, though I'm mostly affected by eclipses. There's one in a couple of weeks and I've gotten 10x more easily overstimulated(and admittedly a bit violent, but only to myself). I've had quite a few meltdowns lately and it's been Not Fun.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked this! I might do more fics in the future, it depends.


End file.
